got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
