broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
