went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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