So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Too much gin, very little bucket
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
