i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
