Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
