That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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