she kept yelling 'call me bella'
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
