1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
just tell him i said nine months
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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