you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
