why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
