First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
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Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
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Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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