Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
