That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize