god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
