yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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