If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
