I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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