so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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