# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
