he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
What a dumb baby whore.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
