You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
