so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
