Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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