i jhust puked up my retainher.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
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