mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
