I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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