We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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