When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
