Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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