oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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