oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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