It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
