Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.