Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
