Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
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Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
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cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.