Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
