the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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