I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
