I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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