It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
