I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
