3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
