I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
