Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
