And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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