Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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