He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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