I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
