are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
