Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
