Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
