I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
