i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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