Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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