and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
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when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
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Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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