How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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