I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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